Peter Pan Syndrome

Second star to the right and straight on till morning. If only finding Neverland were so simple. It is difficult for me to understand how time has flown so quickly by, how in one moment I'm walking down the isle as a three year old flower girl and the next a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. When did I grow up?

Age is simple when boiled down. Year by year we progress, move forward in our lives. Yet in this moment, the eve of a wedding, the actuality of age hits me. In one year I have left my University home, sought a full time career, prepared to buy an apartment, and witnessed (or will witness) the engagements and marriages of multiple friends. What ever happened to listening to boy bands or playing with dolls?

The future is exciting, in ways. I look forward to having a classroom of my own, and yet the uncertainty of not knowing every detail of life becomes a terror unlike anything I have ever faced. Whats more, the pressure of the future has left me in question. Not of my career, not of myself, but perhaps of ties in the past left loose without a proper ending. It becomes the question of "have I known the answer all along, yet was too blind to acknowledge the truth?" Perhaps the answer is yes, but then again that certainty will only come with time. Time and days gone by. Days gone by to months, then years. To think of growing up, of letting everything in my comfort zone dissipate.... it's the most terrifying and exciting sensation.

Denial is No Longer an Option

It's been too long. We talk, I listen. I cry, you call. Days pass onward and we miss one another. Is it possible to be in love with someone who never once loved you in return. As I hear these lyrics, I cannot help but feel the answer is yes.

Damn you........................ why can I never rid you from my life. Just let me free, and stop being the perfect guy, the perfect gentleman. You meet every single requirment on my checklist. A checklist that was made exceptionally difficult to match and incredibly long.

I see this video and my mind races to our happy ending which I do not want. I want someone else, I want to be free of you. Almost 2 years ago we met, yet still you linger.

The Development of Possible Insanity in Progression

The loss of self. This is what it has come to. A doubt of my major, a loss of my confidence, the disparaging of myself surrounds. What have I become? Who am I? Once a strong and confident woman shattered through the searing glares and painful words. Has all confidence been lost? Am I reduced to the shameful nights of weeping into my pillow once again?

Torn between the realm of darkness and the depth of love. Support encompasses me, yet those once assumed to be close break away. Each individual bound to a piece of my being; each departure breaking me down more and more. I'm lose, spiraling downward loosing sight of the light above.

The pain of a car. Never would I sacrifice my soul when there are so many goals yet to be accomplished. I stared at the cars on the street driving by. Each one left me wondering, would people come together and leave their differences behind if I got injured? Would I be willing to do that for others? My life will not end, but the severity of my pain could be the bond to bring separate pieces together again. All pieces except those link to my being... my soul.

Broken beyond repair...torn. No soul can fix this... and I wonder if even I can.

The Lasting Impressions of a Movie

My life should be a sad romance novel. For all those who know my past relationship experience... it has been a little less than joyous. But what happens when the feelings you keep remain locked away? Not a soul would know the truth. The reason why we existed in that moment. My roommate recently convinced me to watch the movie Dear John. The cliche chick flick is what was expected, yet instead it stirred that lost emotion within myself. I only want to write one letter. The letter he'll never read. The letter published by an anonymous girl online. Never to be found by him.

Dear John Doe (Because his name shall remain anonymous as well),
There is something that I have been keeping from you for a very long time. It is something that I dared not text, nor facebook, nor call via phone. Instead I chose a letter, it is my personal way of reaching out to you without an immediate response, without having to hear the disgust and disownment reflected through your vocal chords. You know everything we have been through. Through the long nights talking in my room or out by the stars. Through the "miss you" texts and the best birthday present a Broadway fanatic could have asked for. But through all this there is something I never told you, mainly because I did not recognize it until long after.

I was falling in love with you.

By now I'm sure your hands are quivering, and knowing you... you have your phone in hand ready to call me or our favorite blond friend. Yes she knows. I told her a while back. Think of me no differently. You are still the best guy friend a girl like me could have asked for. I do not expect anything to change from this. Except that there is a possibility you will disown me and never speak to me again. But believe me when I say I do not expect a fairytale ending when the guy shows up on the doorstep and says the same. My life is not a fairytale. It's not a story to be told. I saw a movie where two people wrote honestly to one another, and I felt that I had been lying to you for the past months.. the past year. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I ever said to you, but now you know the reason behind my anger, my frustration, everything.
I want us to stay friends. But if we are going to stay friends, you needed to know the truth. I hope that you've made it this far in the letter. Because I can honestly say that I have moved on from you. Yes the way things are going I'll be a single bachelor-ette living in the city, but I'm okay with that. Just know that as your friend I will always be here for you, and in the end I want you to be happy. So now you know. It's just to bad this is lost on an online forum no one reads. And it will never reach you. Let's move forward, no regrets, no pent up emotions, just honest friends. As long as it is written in the stars to stay this way.

See you soon,
Songmage ~

Defeated by a Collage of Nothingness

Have you ever been in a mood and never knew why? Have you ever been in a compiliation of situations and become numb from all their happenings? A combination of the two leaves me dazzed and out of touch from reality.

What is a friend? I thought it was a person whom you could trust. A person with who you held conversations throughout the days and weeks, who hung out with you and knew how to make you smile. Perhaps it's much more than that. Looking around this college campus of mine I have come to find that despite the mass numbers of people I know... one true friend is in short supply. After losing my sophomore roommate I no longer had that one girl to depend on, to break down in front of. That one person who helped me maintain my sanity. What is a world full of so called "friends" if none can support you when needed most?

What is privacy? Joining in greek life was by far the greatest choice I have made in my lifetime. This was my thought process until this week. There comes that time when a girl meets a guy. Girl invites guy over to watch movie as friends. I told a few girls whom I could trust about this guy coming over, and before I knew it my entire sorority created an explosion of this happening. It suddenly became a date, and this guy was suddenly my "crush of a lifetime". If only these girls could see past their shallow thoughts and explore what lies within my mind.

To come over to a movie is nothing but hanging out... I lost all trust in men when one held my emotions in the palm of his hand and shattered them with one striking blow. He treated me like an angel, like his girl, going places together, complimenting me, everything the perfect gentleman was to do when courting a lovely lady. Needless to say I was falling in love with him when he shattered my heart. No one seems to understand this. I cannot find it within myself to see a male having an attraction for me, because in my mind he'll always come back to hurt me. Having my sorority sisters all in a hype has left me speechless, feeling more vunerable and lonely than ever. Let me say this about this guy: He is incredibly attractive, his personality is fun loving and adorable. If nothing happens.... nothing happens. Forgive me for not falling head-over-heals after knowing him for one week. Experience has taught me guard my heart, to wait for a reassuring sign from the source that there is an attraction between the two of us. Yes, I would love nothing more than to see him again, but my heart will not suffer if this occurance does not take place. Do not take my emotions and my life and spread them around for your personal benefit. If you wonder how things are... ask me.

I'm lost. I'm suffering. I'm silent. A once confident woman has been trapped within an emotional shell, cradling herself for protection from those around her. Leave my heart be, and let me suffer in silence. For few of these so-called "friends" will seek me out and come to my rescue. No one can take the confrontation.

The Lost Desires Reawakened from a Melody

How sad can humanity be to cling to past events within their lives? There is an entire future to look forward to, but we clutch to what we know instead of moving forward to learn something entirely new. I too am guilty of this humane sin.

It has been a day stirred of emotion. One which I did not realize until the melodies and harmonies of songs began to reawaken what had been long lost and forgotten. For the boy, who thinks himself a man, I once loved you. This feeling to passionate to truly deny, yet I thought it had been burried deep into the ground never once to return. A message recieved stating "I am no longer single" burns. It was like a scar upon the heart had been torn open once again. This bizzare emotion called love. What is it that will not let me forget what I once knew? Is it truly impossible to forget? Deplete these emotions from my body, let my memory be erased and forget that being entirely. Yet this is not possible. Not for a human being filled to the brim with passion for all mankind.

It does not die down when one is trapped within a classroom. My grandmother (rest her soul for eternity) passed but a month ago. As I sit within a college classroom the professor babbles on about death of loved ones, leaving this dear grandchild in tears beneath the long strands of brunette hair. I cannot find the means to concentrate on this present moment due to these past events. What I would not give to find the means to conentrate on this day, this hour, this very minute... the mourning of my beloved grandmother will never pass. Yet it is still a hearty wish that a professor would show some sympathy for this young woman, one of eighteen within the class.

Yet alas, to ask to maintain a piece of sanity is too much to ask.

Living Amongst Insanity

Whoever came up with the idea of roommates in college did not clearly think through things. Yes boys ((or those who think they are men)) can get along quite well, but when living in a building full of females, tension runs high. It is junior year here at college and I have gone from one roommate to two. This should not be a drastic change, unless one becomes the mediator.

Each girl gossips about the other, and it takes all of my strength to keep from smacking both of them into a reality check. One parties, complains, gossips, uses "like" every other word. The other matches my personality of laid back qualities, enjoys relaxation, and the simple things in life. It never ceases to amaze me how two girls can gripe and complain so much behind the other's back and keep a smile to their face. I know all.... for I am the mediator. There is no side for me to agree on.

But is this not the stereotypical female? Am I the only one who lives outside of the gossiping, lying, partying, backstabbing stereotype? In college the level of maturity is supposed to rise, allowing the students to transform into adults and preparing themselves for the outside world of careers and jobs. Neither of my roommates seem to understand that this is the case. It seems that maturity can only develop when one lives on their own for a period of time, or secludes themselves from a social situation. I find the longer a college female student dwells in a building with all other females, maturity dives deep and ceases to exsist. It is a sad thing. Perhaps someday one other student shall prove me wrong, but to this day I have yet to see such a sight.